There are so many days I grieve the woman I was before cancer. How do I move on from the pain? I can’t be the only one that asks these questions.
I ask, why me? Why a healthy, 31 year old? Why a mom of 2? Why a woman carrying not one, but two babies?
I miss the version of myself who didn’t know what it felt like to hear the words, “You have cancer.” The woman who made plans without checking a treatment calendar. The mom who could run on a few hours of sleep and still run around with the kids. The wife who had the energy to make a delicious meal. The daughter that didn’t drain all my parents’ energy. The person who didn’t consistently think about reoccurrence and leaving all the people I love.
For a while, I thought I had to leave her behind. In the “before cancer” chapter of my life. It’s hard to explain to others how I don’t feel like “myself” anymore. How I’m scared I won’t find my “new” self.
But I’ve realized something…
I’m not leaving that “before” version of myself behind. She’s with me every step of the way. And I don’t have to craft my “new” self in a just a few months.
She is still the reason I fight so hard. She reminds me how deeply I can love, laugh, dream, and hope. A reminder of how I was living before this. A reminder of how I can become better, stronger, and more present after conquering this.
Cancer changed me, but it didn’t erase me, even though sometimes I feel like it did. It added chapters I never wanted, making it a piece of my story, but not the whole story.
I’m learning to make space for both versions of myself, the woman I was and the woman I’m becoming. This “in between” stage won’t last forever.
If you’re grieving the person you were before your diagnosis, know this: you don’t have to let that person go. They can walk beside you every step of the way, to remind you of who you were, what you’re fighting for, and all that is to come.
She’s still here. And so are you. Keep moving forward 🩷
Just wanted to pop on here and say thanks for all the prayers while I was in surgery. My plastic surgeon took out my expanders and my port, and placed implants in the expanders place.
The after surgery pain is much better than the bilateral mastectomy last June. I don’t have drains this time, which immediately makes the recovery easier. So if you’ve already had a mastectomy, please know that that surgery is much more painful and this implant surgery seems easier already.
I’m feeling a lot of pulling and tugging and stinging from the stitches, and it’s so hard to get comfortable. Send me some good movies or book requests! I’ve been super into historical nonfiction shows and books. Plus I love a good educational book to improve my teaching over the summer.
No lifting for a month is hurting. The babies just jump up and down at my feet, wanting me to pick them up. I know this is a sacrifice for a small amount of time but it hurts my heart.
This feels like another big step in ending this cancer journey. The tears, the pain, the pokes, the awful chemo, losing my hair, the emotional turmoil of thinking I may not see my kids grow up.
My type- triple negative- does have the highest rate of reoccurrence. That part scares me, but we’ve decided to live life to the fullest while we can.
We continue to live life, have fun as a family, all while trying to get enough sleep.
May you celebrate your triumphs and your trials this summer! We need it all for a wonderful life. Enjoy this picture of the cutest twins you’ve ever seen!
Our family is SO enjoying our summer. We’re visiting metro parks, playing in the mud kitchen, and taking lots of naps. I’m also newly an auntie- which is such a beautiful joy seeing my sweet sis be an incredible mama.
In one week I’ll have my 1st reconstruction surgery, which is replacing my expanders with implants. Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had no idea what expanders were. If you’re curious, they are temporary silicone spheres that keep your skin stretched out. They don’t hurt constantly, but I’m never not aware of these foreign bodies in my body. They poke and pinch and I can’t wait to be rid of them. I also haven’t been able to wear the twins in a carrier for a year, and that breaks my mama heart.
I can’t wait for the surgery, but so sad that I won’t be lifting the twins for a month. I seriously couldn’t have married a better man. He’s so in tune with the kids and it’s so incredible having a partner that shares in the load, often unequally. It hurts that he’s had to honor “in sickness and in health” so early in our marriage.
I’m still dealing with side effects of chemotherapy and immunotherapy, but I have a year’s worth of hair growth! It’s curly and wild and a weird mullet length but it’s so much better than being bald.
Dealing with cancer emotionally is a giant mess. I’m so thankful for the present but so disappointed in all I’ve lost and all that has changed. Searching for new purpose and discovering old dreams…the brain fog, the sadness, the joy, the pain; all mixed together.
My family and my faith continue to sustain me. God is good, even in the trials. True joy exists in loving others and being loved well, regardless of circumstance.
It has been a LONG 18 months but I’m done with all my cancer infusions!
17 chemo infusions.
17 immunotherapy infusions.
I couldn’t have done it without the support of my incredible family! Everyone sacrificed to help me make it through this awful time.
Today I got to introduce the twins to my doctors, who I met when I was 20 weeks pregnant with them. My doctors saved me AND my babies. Cue the tears. 😭
I am forever grateful for this life and I am so stupidly proud of myself because these infusions were miserable at times. But they kept me here, and I get to see all my babies grow up.
Special thanks to Michael, my mom, my sister, my dad, and my in-laws who have carried our family. Also, to so many of our friends, family members, and even strangers who have prayed for us! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Honestly there were some days I wasn’t sure I’d make it here. God is good.
This spring has generally been a really positive time for our family. The babies are running now and we are getting a lot of quality family time after work and on the weekends.
I finished the chemo pill the last week of February, and I am so glad to leave that behind. I’m dealing with some residual side effects from that, so hopefully that will all subside in the next month or so.
My last immunotherapy appointment was March 19th. I did a 6 week cycle, rather than a 3 week cycle for the first time. I think the worst of the side effects hit me about 5 days after and only lasted a couple of days.
I am so happy to report that my VERY LAST infusion is April 30th! I hope to ring the bell and bring the big kids so they can see where I’ve been at every week or so the last 18 months. I feel so excited and so thankful to be almost done with this part of treatment. God has been faithful and seen me through to this side!
In family news, we just took an incredible road trip out to South Dakota for spring break. Our family (my husband!) loves national parks so we do a lot of traveling to new parks. We went to Indiana Dunes NP, Badlands NP, Wind Cave NP and ended the trip at Mount Rushmore. The kids did really well for such a long time in the car and we saw so many incredible sights. We saw lots of bison and other wildlife, and did lots of fun hikes. We even did a fun cave tour that 3 out of the 4 kids enjoyed. One of the twins did not appreciate the cave lol 😂
The national parks are an incredible place for kids and Michael always plans the best itineraries to best fit our family. We loved traveling before we had kids, and we haven’t let 4 kids stop us. We have lots of plans for future travels too. There are certainly moments of intense stress while traveling with kids, but Michael and I feel the memories and learning experiences more than make up for it.
Check out some pictures of our adventure!
Also please join in our prayers of thankfulness that my body has responded to all this treatment and there is currently no evidence of cancer. My next surgery is June 17 and I cannot lift any weight for a month after that, so we’d appreciate lots of prayers for quick healing and any helping hands with the kids!
Just wanted to pop on here to wish Michael a happy birthday and share lots of mushy gushy stuff about him!
It’s my favorite person’s birthday! More to share about our fun accommodations later, but goodness I am feeling lucky to be celebrating another year with Michael. He is everything you’d want in a partner- kind, thoughtful, hard-working, incredibly smart, driven, encouraging, and family-oriented. We have been walking through the hardest time of our life this year, with my cancer, adding the twins, and just parenting 4, wonderful, but incredibly needy kids. We face obstacles with laughter, deep breaths, and a few naps. I want this year to be all about you, and all that you want it to be, babe. Thanks for making last year all about me..and I’m sorry you had no choice!
I can’t wait to tell the kids about our relationship as they get older. It’s rooted in love, grace, commitment and lots of laughter. I hope and pray our kids will be lucky enough to find someone who loves them like Michael loves me. We are blessed and fortunate to continue to find love in our hardships. I hope our kids know that this kind of love is out there, and it’s definitely worth waiting for. ❤️
Wow- what a month we’ve had. The babies are one, big brother is 4, and big sis is reading everything in sight. Michael and I are in the tricky part of the school year, where we feel the long days and our students have been stuck inside too much, and engagement is so hard! However, we were given the incredible gift of a week at home due to a snowstorm and dangerously low temps.
The girls are walking all over the place. Mia was first because she had impeccable balance. She was walking a few steps before their birthday. Lily took a little longer, but we saw her first steps during the week both of us were home, so that felt like a sweet, small, God moment that we were there for those first confident steps. The girls have also given us a a few full nights of sleep! We certainly haven’t caught up from the year of poor sleep, but every full night is so appreciated.
Our entire family is sick all the time. You name it- stomach bug, colds, fevers, coughs, we can’t seem to overcome the many sicknesses that winter brings. My immune system is still so weak, and Michael and I bring home everything from work. The big kids are constantly bringing something from pre-k or kindergarten. We are just doing the best we can. We are so thankful my mom is home with kids, especially the twins, during the day. I cannot fathom how sick the twins would be if they were in daycare. Due to the fact they were premature, I still worry about COVID and RSV. Please pray for good health and safety for the kids. We need energy to parent and to do our jobs, and every time the kids, or we are sick, all our energy is drained.
We are is such an incredible stage with big brother. He’s a pretty awesome big brother to the twins and such a fun sidekick to his big sister as well. But more importantly it’s been so fun watching him this year as he started pre-school and just develop his personality into a little jeopardy genius, wheel of fortune fanatic, weatherman, master builder, baker extraordinaire, and of course an out-of-this-world astronaut! We celebrated this weekend with a trip to Little Diggers in Dublin, watching airplanes land at the OSU airport, cake and ice cream with some family, and a little road trip to the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta!
Watching him absorb knowledge is a joy, and in all my years of teaching I’ve never seen a kid absorb and retain knowledge so quickly. He loves planes and space and already knows more about the Apollo 11 mission and rockets and space shuttles than I do.
Michael and I are committed to making knowledge building a priority in our family. We teach them facts, explain processes, and plan outings and trips where we know they will take in the experience and return with tons of information. We love making learning hands on, and I love finding the perfect books for each kids’ interest.
Recently, I filmed the kids playing Jeopardy on one of our snow days. Michael made the board especially for them, and they LOVED IT. I put a small clip online, and it went viral, which was insane. We’re up to 210K views. I can’t believe so many people were amazed and found our kids love of knowledge so cute.
I feel this desire to expand the knowledge of my students every day. About 5 years ago, I read the book, The Knowledge Gap, by Natalie Wexler. She discusses in her book about how students all over the country no longer know basic things about history or science that earlier generations picked up from books or family experiences. I see that in my 5th graders. I want to make learning come to life for them and I want them to retain basic facts, like state capitals, a few anecdotes about some presidents, and some knowledge about different times in history. But it’s hard, and it’s not as fun for 10-11 year olds! Competing against technology and their love of video games complicates my desire to expand their understanding of the world.
That’s why Michael and I want this so desperately for our family, because we know this isn’t their teachers’ job. It’s a joy for us, and our kids are the perfect age for knowledge building. I wish it could say that it might lead to some homeschooling down the road, but I have no idea where will we be in a year. I’d love to expand this love of play, hands on learning, and knowledge building into a business at some point, but I need a business mentor first. (Any takers!?)
Cancer still rules my schedule, seeing my oncologist every 3 weeks. I still fear it could be spreading, but know that I have to trust in my scans. I’m so close to being done with the chemo pill, which I’ve been on for 9 months. The side effects are much better than IV chemo, but still draining. I can’t wait to be done!
Please pray for Michael and I as we try to finish this school year with energy and pray for direction as we try to decide what is next for us as a family. Cancer changed the way I see myself and our life, and it’s hard to know where to go next. Finding the “new me” while discovering parts of the “old me” is so hard. That’s just one of the many emotional tolls of cancer or any long term medical condition. It’s scary, but also exciting. To find new dreams and to make new plans with the people I love…it’s all a gift.
We’re praying for all of you as we all navigate this wild world we live in! Lean into each other and into the good of the world. 🩷
Today our sweet girls have been in the world for a year! It’s been a year full of sleepless nights, lots of crying (the babies and myself!), hundreds of songs, thousands of diapers and bottles, and millions of questions, but even more smiles and cuddles.
Today I found myself with a few moments of peace and I couldn’t help but find myself crying. Was it joy? Or grief? Or both? But isn’t that the most perfect metaphor for life? Feeling joy and grief all in one day, one moment, or perhaps even in one breath. The challenge lies in carrying both and waking up each day and choosing to let the joy outweigh the grief.
I’m so full of gratitude and love for our family and friends, and so proud of Michael and I for weathering this daunting year. My strength and faith has certainly been tested this year, and by the grace of God, I’ve made it. We’ve all made it.
We can’t wait to watch our sweet miracles grow and change. We can already tell a difference in their personalities, and those close to us can see the difference too. Lately I’ve been praying for wisdom as we raise these twins. Parenting the big two had given us many challenges and heartaches, but I sense that parenting twins will come with a particular set of challenges. We want to encourage the sweetest bond and love and friendship for each other. Most of all, we pray for good health for all of us. The girls aren’t showing any delays from being pre-mature or from enduring chemo, and they are just days away from being walking!
We can’t wait to teach them about Jesus, his love for us, and how they truly are our sweet miracles. We continue to dream of what lies ahead for our family, and where in the world the next few years will take us. Through our trials, we continue to be blessed.
As we get closer to Christmas, I continue to reflect on how much our life has changed in a year. Last year at this time, I had already had 2 chemo infusions, was working full time, getting used to wig wearing, constantly going to the maternal fetal medicine doctor to scan the babies to check on them, and we were trying to get in the Christmas spirit with our 2 excited kiddos. The babies were taking up so much space that walking even for small distances caused me to be out of breath and my body physically hurt constantly. Anticipating Christmas- the joy, the lights, the beauty, the rest- certainly helped me get through that season. I also could relate to Mary carrying baby Jesus because I was so large on Christmas Eve 😂
Remembering that God sent his only son as a sweet baby to Earth; nothing compares. Knowing I’m loved and treasured; priceless. Sharing the Good News with our sweet kiddos and listening to their prayers; absolute joy. Celebrating Christmas is more than the lights, the gifts, the fun, the snow, the music in our home. Remembering Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us; that brings true excitement and joy for me.
Truly this is my favorite time of year. This year, life is so incredibly different. I’m not insanely pregnant, I’m getting used to short hair, we have 2 beautiful baby girls that are almost ONE and I still have a hard time saying we have 4 kids! We have learned that our village is BIG and we love all the people that have showed up for us in the darkness of this past year. God is good.
Merry Christmas to you all from our family to yours! Stay tuned for some family pictures and news of the twins’ first birthday party!
I’m truly an optimistic person, and a woman of faith and and I’ve tried to approach this cancer journey with as much optimism and faith as possible. Smile through the pain. Remember why I’m enduring this season. Be thankful for all our love and support.
And I am. I truly am.
But I can’t keep hiding and lying my way through this.
I can’t be optimistic every day.
This has truly been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. This year has been incredibly long and hard and sad.
Even if we just were walking a cancer journey, this year would have been wild.
Even if we were just walking this first year with twins, this year would have been wild.
We are walking both.
I’m walking both.
As much as I am so thankful for all my people, they didn’t live the twin pregnancy, 16 iv chemos, hair loss, and bilateral mastectomy, weight gain, and now a million other pills and appointments.
I’m jealous of people who got cancer easier than me. Like when they are retired. They just get to go to treatment and go home and rest. And sleep and not take care of anyone. Getting cancer at 70 when you only have to care for yourself is not the same thing I’m going through. Getting just radiation and not losing your hair – not the same. People that were diagnosed after me and are already done with treatment. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Cancer is cancer.
I have truly suffered. This grief I wish I could just tuck into my pocket is just too big right now. It walks before me and surrounds me and I just try to move through it.
I recently learned that my doctors don’t expect return of original energy levels until one year after IV chemo. I had no idea. I expected to be back to normal after I recovered from surgery. Nope. I’m looking at feeling this endless fatigue and weakness for another 6 months.
I’m so tired I can barely do my job. Or take care of my family. Or get a good night’s sleep. Everything I’m doing to kill all the cancer and keep it from returning has absolutely altered my life in a way I never wanted.
Cancer has altered the lives of those around me. Michael carries a huge load for our family. He has always been incredible at sharing the load of parenthood, but for the past year he has had to do even more. Even when he’s tired and almost has nothing left to give, he continues to give even more. I’m constantly in awe of the man I married.
I can’t be the wife and mom and teacher I want to be. My mom can’t be the fun nana she wants to be- just being here for fun times and spoiling the kids. She is a third parent in our home and I’m certain she never saw that coming. My kids don’t get the most energized or most patient mom they deserve. I’m glad the babies won’t remember this time because I certainly didn’t do every night time feeding like I did for the big kids. I just couldn’t.
As a Christian, I don’t believe God gave me this cancer as a punishment or lesson. I think cancer is a product of our broken world and if I can or if I ever figure out what caused it, I will do everything in my power to prevent it from happening to my loved ones. Or anyone. Because cancer alters lives. Forever.
I hope in 10 years I look back and see this as a season. But I can’t right now. It’s all consuming, every minute of every day when my body is absolutely failing me.
I recently came across this song that perfectly puts into words the pain that I’m feeling and the hope I have in Jesus. Read these gorgeous lyrics of the chorus and take a listen to this song sometime.
Flowers by Samantha Ebert
So I brought it up in a desperate prayer
Lord, why are you keeping me here?
Then He said to me, “Child, I’m planting seeds
I’m a good God and I have a good plan
So trust that I’m holding a watering can
And someday you’ll see that flowers grow in the valley”
So whatever the reason, I’m barely getting by
I’ll trust it’s a season knowing that you’re by my side
Every step of the way
And I’ll be okay
I know I’ll be okay. 🩷
Jesus- be near to me and my family. Help lift our spirits when the grief is too much. Help my body rest enough each day to do it all over again. Thank you for the people that love me when I’m at my worst. Thank you for continuing to sustain me. I can’t wait to see the flowers that grow is this deep valley. Soon. Amen.
