Just wanted to pop on here to wish Michael a happy birthday and share lots of mushy gushy stuff about him!

It’s my favorite person’s birthday! More to share about our fun accommodations later, but goodness I am feeling lucky to be celebrating another year with Michael. He is everything you’d want in a partner- kind, thoughtful, hard-working, incredibly smart, driven, encouraging, and family-oriented. We have been walking through the hardest time of our life this year, with my cancer, adding the twins, and just parenting 4, wonderful, but incredibly needy kids. We face obstacles with laughter, deep breaths, and a few naps. I want this year to be all about you, and all that you want it to be, babe. Thanks for making last year all about me..and I’m sorry you had no choice!

I can’t wait to tell the kids about our relationship as they get older. It’s rooted in love, grace, commitment and lots of laughter. I hope and pray our kids will be lucky enough to find someone who loves them like Michael loves me. We are blessed and fortunate to continue to find love in our hardships. I hope our kids know that this kind of love is out there, and it’s definitely worth waiting for. ❤️

Wow- what a month we’ve had. The babies are one, big brother is 4, and big sis is reading everything in sight. Michael and I are in the tricky part of the school year, where we feel the long days and our students have been stuck inside too much, and engagement is so hard! However, we were given the incredible gift of a week at home due to a snowstorm and dangerously low temps.

The girls are walking all over the place. Mia was first because she had impeccable balance. She was walking a few steps before their birthday. Lily took a little longer, but we saw her first steps during the week both of us were home, so that felt like a sweet, small, God moment that we were there for those first confident steps. The girls have also given us a a few full nights of sleep! We certainly haven’t caught up from the year of poor sleep, but every full night is so appreciated.

Our entire family is sick all the time. You name it- stomach bug, colds, fevers, coughs, we can’t seem to overcome the many sicknesses that winter brings. My immune system is still so weak, and Michael and I bring home everything from work. The big kids are constantly bringing something from pre-k or kindergarten. We are just doing the best we can. We are so thankful my mom is home with kids, especially the twins, during the day. I cannot fathom how sick the twins would be if they were in daycare. Due to the fact they were premature, I still worry about COVID and RSV. Please pray for good health and safety for the kids. We need energy to parent and to do our jobs, and every time the kids, or we are sick, all our energy is drained.

We are is such an incredible stage with big brother. He’s a pretty awesome big brother to the twins and such a fun sidekick to his big sister as well. But more importantly it’s been so fun watching him this year as he started pre-school and just develop his personality into a little jeopardy genius, wheel of fortune fanatic, weatherman, master builder, baker extraordinaire, and of course an out-of-this-world astronaut! We celebrated this weekend with a trip to Little Diggers in Dublin, watching airplanes land at the OSU airport, cake and ice cream with some family, and a little road trip to the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta!

Watching him absorb knowledge is a joy, and in all my years of teaching I’ve never seen a kid absorb and retain knowledge so quickly. He loves planes and space and already knows more about the Apollo 11 mission and rockets and space shuttles than I do.

Michael and I are committed to making knowledge building a priority in our family. We teach them facts, explain processes, and plan outings and trips where we know they will take in the experience and return with tons of information. We love making learning hands on, and I love finding the perfect books for each kids’ interest.

Recently, I filmed the kids playing Jeopardy on one of our snow days. Michael made the board especially for them, and they LOVED IT. I put a small clip online, and it went viral, which was insane. We’re up to 210K views. I can’t believe so many people were amazed and found our kids love of knowledge so cute.

I feel this desire to expand the knowledge of my students every day. About 5 years ago, I read the book, The Knowledge Gap, by Natalie Wexler. She discusses in her book about how students all over the country no longer know basic things about history or science that earlier generations picked up from books or family experiences. I see that in my 5th graders. I want to make learning come to life for them and I want them to retain basic facts, like state capitals, a few anecdotes about some presidents, and some knowledge about different times in history. But it’s hard, and it’s not as fun for 10-11 year olds! Competing against technology and their love of video games complicates my desire to expand their understanding of the world.

That’s why Michael and I want this so desperately for our family, because we know this isn’t their teachers’ job. It’s a joy for us, and our kids are the perfect age for knowledge building. I wish it could say that it might lead to some homeschooling down the road, but I have no idea where will we be in a year. I’d love to expand this love of play, hands on learning, and knowledge building into a business at some point, but I need a business mentor first. (Any takers!?)

Cancer still rules my schedule, seeing my oncologist every 3 weeks. I still fear it could be spreading, but know that I have to trust in my scans. I’m so close to being done with the chemo pill, which I’ve been on for 9 months. The side effects are much better than IV chemo, but still draining. I can’t wait to be done!

Please pray for Michael and I as we try to finish this school year with energy and pray for direction as we try to decide what is next for us as a family. Cancer changed the way I see myself and our life, and it’s hard to know where to go next. Finding the “new me” while discovering parts of the “old me” is so hard. That’s just one of the many emotional tolls of cancer or any long term medical condition. It’s scary, but also exciting. To find new dreams and to make new plans with the people I love…it’s all a gift.

We’re praying for all of you as we all navigate this wild world we live in! Lean into each other and into the good of the world. 🩷

Today our sweet girls have been in the world for a year! It’s been a year full of sleepless nights, lots of crying (the babies and myself!), hundreds of songs, thousands of diapers and bottles, and millions of questions, but even more smiles and cuddles.

Today I found myself with a few moments of peace and I couldn’t help but find myself crying. Was it joy? Or grief? Or both? But isn’t that the most perfect metaphor for life? Feeling joy and grief all in one day, one moment, or perhaps even in one breath. The challenge lies in carrying both and waking up each day and choosing to let the joy outweigh the grief.

I’m so full of gratitude and love for our family and friends, and so proud of Michael and I for weathering this daunting year. My strength and faith has certainly been tested this year, and by the grace of God, I’ve made it. We’ve all made it.

We can’t wait to watch our sweet miracles grow and change. We can already tell a difference in their personalities, and those close to us can see the difference too. Lately I’ve been praying for wisdom as we raise these twins. Parenting the big two had given us many challenges and heartaches, but I sense that parenting twins will come with a particular set of challenges. We want to encourage the sweetest bond and love and friendship for each other. Most of all, we pray for good health for all of us. The girls aren’t showing any delays from being pre-mature or from enduring chemo, and they are just days away from being walking!

We can’t wait to teach them about Jesus, his love for us, and how they truly are our sweet miracles. We continue to dream of what lies ahead for our family, and where in the world the next few years will take us. Through our trials, we continue to be blessed.

As we get closer to Christmas, I continue to reflect on how much our life has changed in a year. Last year at this time, I had already had 2 chemo infusions, was working full time, getting used to wig wearing, constantly going to the maternal fetal medicine doctor to scan the babies to check on them, and we were trying to get in the Christmas spirit with our 2 excited kiddos. The babies were taking up so much space that walking even for small distances caused me to be out of breath and my body physically hurt constantly. Anticipating Christmas- the joy, the lights, the beauty, the rest- certainly helped me get through that season. I also could relate to Mary carrying baby Jesus because I was so large on Christmas Eve 😂

Remembering that God sent his only son as a sweet baby to Earth; nothing compares. Knowing I’m loved and treasured; priceless. Sharing the Good News with our sweet kiddos and listening to their prayers; absolute joy. Celebrating Christmas is more than the lights, the gifts, the fun, the snow, the music in our home. Remembering Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us; that brings true excitement and joy for me.

Truly this is my favorite time of year. This year, life is so incredibly different. I’m not insanely pregnant, I’m getting used to short hair, we have 2 beautiful baby girls that are almost ONE and I still have a hard time saying we have 4 kids! We have learned that our village is BIG and we love all the people that have showed up for us in the darkness of this past year. God is good.

Merry Christmas to you all from our family to yours! Stay tuned for some family pictures and news of the twins’ first birthday party!

I’m truly an optimistic person, and a woman of faith and and I’ve tried to approach this cancer journey with as much optimism and faith as possible. Smile through the pain. Remember why I’m enduring this season. Be thankful for all our love and support. 

And I am. I truly am. 

But I can’t keep hiding and lying my way through this. 

I can’t be optimistic every day.

This has truly been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. This year has been incredibly long and hard and sad. 

Even if we just were walking a cancer journey, this year would have been wild. 

Even if we were just walking this first year with twins, this year would have been wild. 

We are walking both. 

I’m walking both. 

As much as I am so thankful for all my people, they didn’t live the twin pregnancy, 16 iv chemos, hair loss, and bilateral mastectomy, weight gain, and now a million other pills and appointments. 

I’m jealous of people who got cancer easier than me. Like when they are retired. They just get to go to treatment and go home and rest. And sleep and not take care of anyone. Getting cancer at 70 when you only have to care for yourself is not the same thing I’m going through.  Getting just radiation and not losing your hair – not the same. People that were diagnosed after me and are already done with treatment. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Cancer is cancer. 

I have truly suffered. This grief I wish I could just tuck into my pocket is just too big right now. It walks before me and surrounds me and I just try to move through it. 

I recently learned that my doctors don’t expect return of original energy levels until one year after IV chemo. I had no idea. I expected to be back to normal after I recovered from surgery. Nope. I’m looking at feeling this endless fatigue and weakness for another 6 months. 

I’m so tired I can barely do my job. Or take care of my family. Or get a good night’s sleep. Everything I’m doing to kill all the cancer and keep it from returning has absolutely altered my life in a way I never wanted. 

Cancer has altered the lives of those around me. Michael carries a huge load for our family. He has always been incredible at sharing the load of parenthood, but for the past year he has had to do even more. Even when he’s tired and almost has nothing left to give, he continues to give even more. I’m constantly in awe of the man I married.

I can’t be the wife and mom and teacher I want to be. My mom can’t be the fun nana she wants to be- just being here for fun times and spoiling the kids. She is a third parent in our home and I’m certain she never saw that coming. My kids don’t get the most energized or most patient mom they deserve. I’m glad the babies won’t remember this time because I certainly didn’t do every night time feeding like I did for the big kids. I just couldn’t.

As a Christian, I don’t believe God gave me this cancer as a punishment or lesson. I think cancer is a product of our broken world and if I can or if I ever figure out what caused it, I will do everything  in my power to prevent it from happening to my loved ones. Or anyone. Because cancer alters lives. Forever. 

I hope in 10 years I look back and see this as a season. But I can’t right now. It’s all consuming, every minute of every day when my body is absolutely failing me. 

I recently came across this song that perfectly puts into words the pain that I’m feeling and the hope I have in Jesus. Read these gorgeous lyrics of the chorus and take a listen to this song sometime. 

Flowers by Samantha Ebert 

So I brought it up in a desperate prayer

Lord, why are you keeping me here?

Then He said to me, “Child, I’m planting seeds

I’m a good God and I have a good plan

So trust that I’m holding a watering can

And someday you’ll see that flowers grow in the valley”

So whatever the reason, I’m barely getting by

I’ll trust it’s a season knowing that you’re by my side

Every step of the way

And I’ll be okay

I know I’ll be okay. 🩷

Jesus- be near to me and my family. Help lift our spirits when the grief is too much. Help my body rest enough each day to do it all over again. Thank you for the people that love me when I’m at my worst. Thank you for continuing to sustain me. I can’t wait to see the flowers that grow is this deep valley. Soon. Amen. 

This morning I captured this gorgeous pink sunrise on the way to school. It felt like the sky was meant to be pink on this last day of October. 

I have so many thoughts tonight as I head to bed, as I think about my first October as a breast cancer patient. 

First, I’m so grateful to be here. I’m so grateful I had the best cancer team on my side at OSU.  Since the first day I met them, I felt special and heard and that they cared specifically for me and my circumstances. 

Seeing so much pink makes me proud that awareness has been spread and so many more women know their own body. Even 20 years ago self checks weren’t happening, and so many cases were caught later. 

Do I wish so many of these companies advertising pink products would just take out those awful ingredients in our food and personal care products? Of course..but that’s a problem for another day. Just being intentional and reading labels makes me feel like a stronger mom who is protecting the health of all my babies. 

I felt a little less alone this month. Reading others’ stories, talking to others that have walked this road have allowed me to see that a bright and full future is possible. 

And goodness gracious my people have shown up for me in ways I could have never imagined this year. My incredible mom, my sister, my dad, my brother, Michael’s family, and some dear friends and coworkers and our Berlin community. 

If you have walked any piece of this with me, thank you! Thanks for allowing me to rest, for checking in with texts and calls, for allowing me to complain without judgement, for amazing food, and for holding and rocking babies and playing with big kids. 

To my rock- Michael. You have proven “in sickness and in health” time and time again.  We are a great team and I’m so thankful for our beautiful life. I love being mama to our four kids and watching them grow and learn is the greatest joy imaginable. We are blessed.

Here we go. 

Today it has officially been one year since I was diagnosed with cancer. 

I was 31 years old and 20 weeks pregnant with twin girls. 

I didn’t have time to panic. We quickly got a second option, got appointments scheduled and started chemo all in 2 weeks. 

4 rounds of chemo. It was brutal. While working full time.

Twins delivery. Vaginal and c-section.

NICU stay. 4 lbs babies.

12 more rounds of chemo. 

Anaphylaxis shock. 

So much aching and crying and grieving for the life I wanted.

And goodness I shoved those emotions down as hard as a could. 

“I’m fine,” I’d say. Or “hanging in there.” 

But I wasn’t. My body continually tired to fail me. And I hurt everyday.  From chemo, from surgery, from endless appointments. 

Today, a year later. The pain is still fresh. 

This hard road still isn’t done. 

I’m still so broken. But so whole too. 

How? 

Jesus, my husband, my mom, my sister, our incredible family and village. 

And every time when I look around at my (4!) beautiful kids, I’m so grateful to be here, even in my brokenness. 

If you have followed my story or prayed for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I never knew how much I needed encouragement on dark days. I still need it. Thank you 🩷 

This is me when I was 3 months into my cancer journey. No hair. Had chemo 10 days before I delivered the girls. Did chemo 30 days after the girls were born. I never took a picture of my bald head because it made me so incredibly sad. 

A year ago, October wasn’t Breast Cancer Awareness month for me. I maybe wore pink on a Friday at work or maybe bought something with the ribbon on it at the grocery store. 

That’s not my life anymore. Breast cancer awareness is every day for me. Every day when I look in the mirror, at my hair, my port, my in-between surgery body. Every day when I take 7 chemo pills and tons of other meds to reduce symptoms. Every 3 weeks when I meet with my oncologist and get an infusion. 

So this October, wear all the pink you want, but please remember to notice those suffering. The scars-mental and physical-don’t disappear.  Remember to do self-checks monthly to catch something early.  Early detection saves lives. Chemotherapy saves lives. Oncologists with years of experience save lives. 

I am thankful for all the pink. It’s been my favorite color my whole life, so the more the merrier 🩷🎀